Sick Puppy

I'm ill.

It wasn't just some strange nasty pill-related stress thingy. I'm really ill. So today I lost my voice and coughed a lot and stayed in bed.
It was actually quite cool, having a legitimate reason to stay in bed for a change.

The worst bit of the day was that he who left me and I have started trying to untangle the mess we made, via email. Its my own fault; I started it. I emailed him last night and said that the only way I can go on is to sort some of it, so that is what we are doing. And it is unpleasant and hurtful and probably destined to make things worse, but it has to be done.

I first knew there was something a bit odd about me when I was a kid; sent to my first psychiatrist at 15; first diagnosed with BPD at 28. But in between the episodes there was stability - I got a degree, I got married, I had 3 kids and a number of responsible jobs. This latest crisis is about the worst I ever got, and it only started when he moved in, so he must have been pushing some of my buttons. I want to know what they are.

I want to know what they are because on my good days I think that my life might not be over, and I might meet someone else, and I don't ever ever ever want this to happen again.