Another one.

Another quiet day. So far.

that's the scariest bit.

My day can be going along absolutely fine one minute, and then in the next the bottom has fallen out of my world. Real, true, devastating misery is all I can feel. It is so bleak I would do anything to get away from it. I yell, scream, fight, blame, run, not really comprehending anyone who is around me or what they say.

I have taken countless overdoses, and every time they ask me 'Did you want to kill yourself?' my answer is always the same:

"No. I just wanted it to go away."

I would do anything to make it go away. Usually, if I can make myself sleep - whether that is with alcohol, drugs, or just someone brave enough and calm enough to stay and stroke my head until sleep comes - then when I wake up, things are calmer.

Often I am in a kind of shock - the mental imagery of the violence I could commit against myself is quite hard to bear. Sometimes, in the worst of it, my memory is affected and I have very little recollection of what has happened.

Sometimes there is physical damage to repair, either to things around me, or to myself.

Always there is the growing awareness that those around me cannot take much more.