seesaw 2

One of those up and downy days.

Up - I cleaned the kitchen like a demon and now have the shiniest worktops in the world and nothing living under the microwave anymore.

Down - just immeasurable sadness. Sadness that I am alone again. The whole leaving me just before a family do is not the first time - sadness that people are ashamed of me. Sadness that I am 39 this month and I feel like my life is nearly over.
Sadness that it's just all gone wrong. Again.

And all that interspersed with the clumsy inarticulateness (if that's a word) that tells me something more than just moodiness is going on. Its not pms, although that doesn't help. Its much worse. The kids look at me, worried, when suddenly I cant stand up straight. I didn't get upset when I broke one of my favourite cups - number one daughter was revising, and I didn't want to disrupt that. But I wanted to throw it and all the matching ones across the room, then cry.

So I held it all together with Librium every three hours, and tried not to think about anything.