Mighty, Falling

Wow.
Today was a tour de force.

This morning I was doing ok, on the verge of something great.
By this evening I'm psychotic and on the verge of something bad.

How the mighty fall.

I do get paranoid. I know that.
For ages now I've thought that my next door neighbours were spying on me through the bathroom wall. It's not been too much of a problem -- I just keep a towel wrapped round me as much as I can, and make sure I have lots of bubbles in the bath.

I'd been a lot better recently -- I'd noticed that some days I hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't bothered making rude gestures at the wall.
Today I realised why -- it's been replaced by a new obsession. I think that all the cars and vans with those blacked out or mirrored windows are videoing me.
Then I read a great description of a guy with schizophrenia, and it could have been me.
That was a hard one to take.
I'm sure loads of people obsess about one thing or another, but still.

* *

Good news is that I submitted a story that I've been working on for a couple of days. I'm pleased with it. I hope it does good.

* * *

In the meantime I can feel my anger at he who left me bubbling up again. He doesn't bother texting or anything. No letters, no nothing. We went through such a lot, and right to the end he said he loved me, but hey, the World Cup is on. Or he's busy. Whatever.
That hurts like fuck.
So now I veer wildly between hurt and furious, and the only way I know how to deal with that is to wallop it with anger.
But bright girls are dangerous, and I could do so much damage.
I have to keep reminding myself that the only reason it still hurts is because I love him.