(No) Hard Feelings

I'm not sure how I feel at the moment.

I know what I did has hurt him, but that wasn't why I did it, and I'm sorry for that. It had to be something powerful, else nothing would have changed. And what I did was better than some of the alternatives.

I didn't realise it would be so hard, doing something that hurts him.
I didn't realise it would hurt me so much too.

I can deal with him hating me - that's ok. That's what I wanted. It's a feeling I'm used to - I think everyone hates me anyway, so if they do in reality, it's ok.
And that way I know it's really over. Other people can just be told, I think, but we've already established that my head doesn't work quite like other peoples, and I kept thinking there must be something I could do to make it right. Intellectually I knew it was rubbish, but my heart kept telling me it would be ok. I couldn't go on like that.

I keep telling myself that this way is better, in the long run. But I'm not naturally good at hurting people, and at the moment it's hard going.

I have been told that my borderline-ness could be much worse - I'm not violent (except to myself sometimes), I don't have hundreds of relationships or move around the country continually. I've kept away from drugs and I don't smoke. I even think I'm an ok mother at times.
But my emotions are all over the place.
I don't know what I feel.
Sometimes that's why I want it all to go away; just so I don't have to feel anything anymore.

Tonight is one of those times.