Insomnia

I hate it when I can't sleep.

I mean, sometimes it used to annoy me -- being the only one awake when everyone else is snoring peacefully -- but now, since I've been diagnosed bipolar, it kind of scares me.

I used to think it was just a quirk of mine -- that I would go days or weeks only sleeping two or three hours a night. I hated sleep; felt like it was a waste of time, that I could be doing something else. Now I know it means something is going wrong. The pills aren't working. Things are starting to speed up, and I'm getting nervous.

My psychiatrist says it's more than just bipolar -- that it's an actual sleep disorder -- part of ADHD, and I also suffer from PTSD (I'm a mass of acronyms these days...), but lack of sleep is very bad news for bipolar.

So now I'm into about my fourth night of minimum sleep, and I'm worried. Tonight is particularly bad. I don't think I'll sleep at all. That will be my third night of zero sleep in about two weeks.

My psychiatrist is due to phone this evening. I am hoping he suggests an increase in my mood stabilizers. I suspect he might also suggest some antidepressants. I'm not so thrilled about that. Not that I don't think I'm depressed, just that rapid-cycling plus antidepressants is bad news. I need to be more stable first I think. I'm sure he'll agree after he hears about the Christmas I had.
Thank Christ it only comes round once a year.