Dammed

Hey

That was a nasty blip.

It seems to be subsiding a bit at the moment, but I can still feel it there at the back of my mind, lurking like a storm cloud, waiting to burst.

I think it has to do with therapy last week. That's the first time I've really talked about he who left me in a while, and more specifically the emotions I have about it. Usually I just keep them all bottled up inside.
I think therapy was a bit like making a small hole in a dam -- it isn't as easy as all that.
You can't make one little hole and just let a trickle come out.
The whole lot wants to come gushing out.

I think that's a big problem with borderline personality disorder -- there really is no middle ground. Its an all or nothing kind or thing. Or, at least, I haven't found the middle ground yet.
I'm working on it.

So what do I do?

Keep everything bottled up? Because clearly it doesn't all stay put -- I do get angry, and I continue to hurt.
Letting it out doesn't feel like an option -- my propensity to become uncontrollable is far too terrifying.

In the USA the answer seems to be DBT -- a kind of therapy where the therapist more or less acts as a surrogate parent, more or less holding the clients emotions until they learn the control they never learned as a child. But that takes trust, and money, and I don't have much of either at the moment.

I guess I better keep my finger in the dyke for a little longer...