Attention Deficit

My psychiatrist has waved around a new diagnosis of ADD -- Attention Deficit Disorder.

I had to fill in a questionnaire, and I have to say that it did feel a lot like me -- interrupting when people speak, forgetting things, losing things, etc -- and my psychiatrist analysed my answers and he says I definitely have attention deficit features (but not hyperactive features).

And he wants to treat me with methylphenidate (Ritalin) without going through my GP, who, he says, will have a hard time accepting the diagnosis of adult ADD, and the prescription is going to cost me about £80 for a months trial. God bless the NHS I say.

It is only a trial so I might just stump it up, but I don't like doing it behind my GP's back. He's been good to me. And I'm scared stiff of the possible side effects of this med -- my heart has misbehaved in the past...
But I want to get better and he says it might help the depression...

Watch this space.

***

In other news, number two daughter is just back from my mother.

I say my mother, but it turns out that she has disowned me.

That hurts.

She said I pushed her away and after that she just thought of me as adopted, and not her real daughter.

I guess I have a lot of stuff to think about tonight.

Bipolar Headache

It's 5am in the morning and I can't sleep.

I was already having trouble when I decided to take two Abilify (my usual dose -- I'd just been laying off them lately), and now I have an absolutely blinding headache which I think is the result of too much dopamine or something. Flashing lights, pains in my temples -- the works.

So much for sleep.

***

In other news, I have decided to cancel my membership to MDF The Bipolar Organisation. Their last magazine had a picture from a TV soap on the front, which always has nasty little story lines about a bipolar character. Clearly the MDF support Eastenders depicting the character in this way, and I think that sucks.

The latest story line really upsets me, and I think they have gone too far, so I am canceling my membership as soon as they open in the morning.

Nothing to see here

Yesterday was the eighth anniversary of my dad's death, and I got through it unscathed.
I remembered him, as always, fondly and with love.
But I do that every day.
The anniversary just comes with the painful memories of me screaming the place down as the police told me he was gone...

And, also, he who left me's birthday yesterday too. But I blog that coincidence crap every year.

***

In other news, kids are driving me up the wall. Even the one who doesn't live here is putting in her two-penny worth, with her personal dramas.
And number two daughter has a psychological assessment on Monday, to see if she needs any help or not.
I think they will say she is just a bit of a drama queen too.

Can't imagine where they get it from.

***

I have been in correspondence via email with the Samaritans for a number of days now, as I wanted somewhere to discuss my rather bad case of fear -- I seem to be terrified of everything.
But they have turned it into a discussion about suicide, and now I feel worse than ever -- I didn't realise how well-formed my plans were until now.

I think if I had a gun I'd be dead right now.

Way to go Samaritans.

Marsh Mallow

My son turned 16 yesterday, and I bought him a bag of Marshmallows and a big bar of chocolate, and a bottle of Coke. He was very happy.
He didn't want drugs and alcohol like some teenagers would -- just sweets and pop.
He's a good boy.

***

In other news, I am feeling very low.

So low, I may have to phone my psychiatrist for an emergency appointment.

My thoughts of suicide are getting more frequent and more detailed, and I'm finding them harder and harder to cope with.

It hasn't been helped by someone's blog post about he who left me -- a mundane post about his emails -- but never the less a post that shows his life happily goes on as normal, with friends and emails and blah. When my life seems to be completely taken over with trying to sort my head out.

I said to him one time, when he first suggested that I get help, that I had been down that road before and it would end badly. Leave it alone, I said; I'm better off left alone.

I should have listened to myself; way back when I still had a life, I should have listened.
Now I can't go out, have no friends, and live with a constant, debilitating fear of everything. It's horrible. That's not to mention the handfuls of pills I have to take each day.

Life is not fun.

I'm not sure where the fear comes from -- I think it's a fear of all the things I should have learned to deal with since childhood, that I actually dealt with in a hypomanic haze rather than really mastered, and now I have to cope with them all at once, with my hypomanic defences stripped away.
I'm somewhat like a child living the life of a forty-something.

So life, for me, is not fun.

I don't know the answer, at the moment.
I just know that without someone to hold my hand, the world seems very bleak.

Weighty Issue

Since I started on the thyroid pills, my weight has slowly but surely been creeping back on again.

It's not surprising -- I'm hungry all the time, and forever running to the kitchen for a snack.

So far I've put on over 20 pounds, and it has to stop.

At the moment I'm trying to drink a cup of green tea every time I feel hungry.

Lets see how crazy scheme number 3472 pans out.

It's snow joke

I'm currently writing this from one of the only places in the UK that doesn't have snow, and consequently one of the only places that hasn't fallen apart.

I feel left out.

***

I spoke to my psychiatrist today and we discussed my lack of CPN support. He has said that he will write to the local day centre and confirm that he will provide back up if required, so I might give that a go.

He has also increased my anti-psychotics in a hope of decreasing my anxiety and improving my low mood. He suggested some Valium but I told him that they don't help much (at all) and he agreed that the anti-psychotics I have are much more powerful weapons.

He then suggested that if this doesn't work I might want to think about some new anti-depressants -- MAOIs.

Which kind of brings me back to my last post -- can pills help when the problem is in the real world? Stress and money worries and agoraphobia and crippling loneliness -- can pills help with those?
My psychiatrist seems to think they would.
I said I would see how I get on with the increased dose and think about it.

I am worried about the dietary restrictions -- I don't trust myself when I am feeling low, not to deliberately eat or drink something prohibited.

But the thought of feeling better is, as always, enticing.

Low Down

I'm feeling very low at the moment, and I'm not sure if that is because number one daughter goes home tomorrow or because my system is missing the anti-depressants I hate so much. Or a combination of the two, plus all the other stress.

Every morning I do a kind of straw poll, to judge how suicidal I am that day. It ranges from 'not very' to 'pretty bad'.

I find it hard to imagine that suicide doesn't figure on the list of possible daily options for some people, but I am told that for some people it is categorically not a consideration for them.

I think that must be a nice feeling.

I can't imagine that a pill can produce that feeling though -- at least, not the kind of stuff that they give out legally on the NHS.

So I'm not about to hurry back to the anti-depressants. I'll just have to hope that my poll keeps me on the good side of 'emergency'.

Filthy Lucre

I couldn't feel worse.

Which is a shame, considering I've just come home from a holiday that was supposed to make me feel better.

But then I wasn't expecting to find a letter telling me I owe £6500.

At the moment I am pretty suicidal, not taking my pills, and expecting to go to prison if I don't pay it (which I can't -- I simply don't have the money).

And my brother asked if I was feeling relaxed after my break.

I soon put him straight.

Daughter number one is coming home from uni to see what she can do, but in truth I don't think there is much she can do.
She says she will find out what is going on, and why I apparently owe the money, but I don't think it will change a thing.

And I don't think I can live with a £6500 debt hanging over my head, which only leaves one option; one way out.

All is Quiet...

... on New Year's Day.

One of the most peaceful New Year's I've ever had.

Thank God for my medication.

So how the stupid head local psychiatrist can call my meds eccentric and say she won't be responsible for me while I'm on them is beyond me.
At least my GP is supportive, but it means there is going to be no CPN support, and so no help with my agoraphobia. Any thing that I want doing about it is going to have to come from me.

So no change there then.

***

I am missing he who left me lots at the moment. I don't know why that should be the case. Maybe because I am thinking it is about time I got rid of the last of his stuff -- something about the last of him being gone, or maybe a bit of sadness about chucking out his pc. I wondered if it was guilt, but it isn't -- it's been sat here for 3 years, and he knew where it was, if he wanted it.

***

New Year's Resolution is, as usual, to lose weight.

That, and to kick this agoraphobia in the teeth once and for all.