I removed He Who Left Me's homepage from my 'Links' today.
I'm not sure why.
I still miss him, so it isn't that.
I think I would just feel more peaceful if I thought the universe (including him) was less mad at me.
Hopefully it's grinding it's metaphorical teeth at me a little less today.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Fledgling
Number one daughter has finally left home.
I suppose I should be a bit sad, but it is hard to be when her house and her room and her housemates are so lovely, and she is so damn happy -- I couldn't have asked for a better departure.
Sadder, I suppose, was homecoming to son and number two daughter, who are as unsociable as ever.
Yes, I'm going to miss that girl like crazy.
***
Our run in with the Medichi virus has been eradicated to the tune of £80. All because having music on the Xbox 360 was more important than antivirus software, apparently.
My son has learned his lesson, and Kaspersky 2009 is duly installed on the clean machine.
***
My heart appears to be slowing down.
Thankfully.
Only just a tad under 100 bpm, occasionally, but an improvement, none the less.
Hey, I'm low on good news at the moment; I'll take what I can get.
I suppose I should be a bit sad, but it is hard to be when her house and her room and her housemates are so lovely, and she is so damn happy -- I couldn't have asked for a better departure.
Sadder, I suppose, was homecoming to son and number two daughter, who are as unsociable as ever.
Yes, I'm going to miss that girl like crazy.
***
Our run in with the Medichi virus has been eradicated to the tune of £80. All because having music on the Xbox 360 was more important than antivirus software, apparently.
My son has learned his lesson, and Kaspersky 2009 is duly installed on the clean machine.
***
My heart appears to be slowing down.
Thankfully.
Only just a tad under 100 bpm, occasionally, but an improvement, none the less.
Hey, I'm low on good news at the moment; I'll take what I can get.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Try Not To Breathe
I saw the doc yesterday and she clocked my pulse at 118 bpm.
Tachycardia, she called it.
Too fast, she called it.
She said it's the new pills, and if it doesn't slow down, they have to go.
I said there has been a lot of stress. There was the doctor, for a start. And a phone call about my son, from school, and something to do with 'isolation'.
And then there was finding a family I didn't know I had, and losing them again, all in the space of a week, because I am bipolar.
My heart beats too fast.
Better that than not at all, some might say.
But the doc says it has to slow down, by tomorrow.
Tachycardia, she called it.
Too fast, she called it.
She said it's the new pills, and if it doesn't slow down, they have to go.
I said there has been a lot of stress. There was the doctor, for a start. And a phone call about my son, from school, and something to do with 'isolation'.
And then there was finding a family I didn't know I had, and losing them again, all in the space of a week, because I am bipolar.
My heart beats too fast.
Better that than not at all, some might say.
But the doc says it has to slow down, by tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Deal Breaker
Today (tonight) I am having a hard time.
I am having a hard time getting my head round the fact that I am stuck in this godforsaken dump BY MYSELF when that was never the plan.
If I knew I would be here by myself, I would never have gone ahead with the move.
It would have been a deal breaker.
Yes, he hasn't spoken to me in over a year, and yes I should be getting over it, but clearly I'm not.
And anyone who thinks he is a 'dear soul' hasn't been on the pointy end of him, have they?
Or maybe that's just it.
Maybe they have.
I am having a hard time getting my head round the fact that I am stuck in this godforsaken dump BY MYSELF when that was never the plan.
If I knew I would be here by myself, I would never have gone ahead with the move.
It would have been a deal breaker.
Yes, he hasn't spoken to me in over a year, and yes I should be getting over it, but clearly I'm not.
And anyone who thinks he is a 'dear soul' hasn't been on the pointy end of him, have they?
Or maybe that's just it.
Maybe they have.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Waiting for Snow
There is something about hypomania that makes it feel as though it would be more controllable, more containable in the cold.
Instead, we are having a balmy Indian summer, which only adds to my irritation.
I don't know if this is hypomania; I suspect it has gone beyond that.
Everywhere I look I see blue energy trails, like little lights. My temper is so short it's practically non-existent. And I'm only ever five minutes and two thoughts away from The Answer.
I suspect it's drug induced, so I should stop taking them, but I can't; I'm too close to The Answer.
Madness is a seductive mistress.
Instead, we are having a balmy Indian summer, which only adds to my irritation.
I don't know if this is hypomania; I suspect it has gone beyond that.
Everywhere I look I see blue energy trails, like little lights. My temper is so short it's practically non-existent. And I'm only ever five minutes and two thoughts away from The Answer.
I suspect it's drug induced, so I should stop taking them, but I can't; I'm too close to The Answer.
Madness is a seductive mistress.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Grab your things...
... I've come to take you home.
***
As promised the new pills do amazing things.
I feel like I'm in orbit a million miles above the planet.
It's not unpleasant.
Not unpleasant for me. The rest for the household variously thinks I've lost it, I'm drunk, or I need a doctor rather urgently.
Today I insisted on clearing out the spare room. I was amazed at the number of empty boxes I had accumulated 'in case'. And my shopping has got rather epic. And I seem to have acquired a new child.
Apart from that, I'm fine; no cause for concern at all -- loud music at 2am is perfectly normal. Singing in the early hours is average.
And the jury on the new meds is still out, as far as I am concerned.
***
As promised the new pills do amazing things.
I feel like I'm in orbit a million miles above the planet.
It's not unpleasant.
Not unpleasant for me. The rest for the household variously thinks I've lost it, I'm drunk, or I need a doctor rather urgently.
Today I insisted on clearing out the spare room. I was amazed at the number of empty boxes I had accumulated 'in case'. And my shopping has got rather epic. And I seem to have acquired a new child.
Apart from that, I'm fine; no cause for concern at all -- loud music at 2am is perfectly normal. Singing in the early hours is average.
And the jury on the new meds is still out, as far as I am concerned.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
It Never Rains But It Pours
If it doesn't stop raining soon I'm going to go crazy.
Crazier.
It's rained for days and days and days, and the forecast is rain for more and more days. It's ridiculous. It just never lets up. And the bloody roof is leaking.
***
I'm still waiting on new pills. I've been phoning and phoning the doc, and when he finally got the letter from psych guy I asked for new prescription, and now I'm waiting for that.
I'm putting a lot of hope into these new pills, but apparently if they work, they work good.
I keep trying to imagine what it would be like not to be depressed at all, to have energy again, and be motivated. It's a lot to ask of a pill.
But number one daughter leaves home in a few weeks, so I either need a miracle cure, or something to numb me completely.
I don't care which it is.
Having my life back would be nice though.
New pills apparently offer said miracle cure, but only to the lucky few, with the right dopamine organisation.
Fingers crossed.
***
At the moment I don't appear to have the right dopamine for anything -- my life is going to shit, and I can't even cry.
Bring back misery, I say.
***
My brother was interesting at the weekend.
He has been treated with two drugs for bipolar in the past, both for mania.
First I've heard of it.
He said he stopped them both and went for easier options, in the end.
Not necessarily the right options though.
Crazier.
It's rained for days and days and days, and the forecast is rain for more and more days. It's ridiculous. It just never lets up. And the bloody roof is leaking.
***
I'm still waiting on new pills. I've been phoning and phoning the doc, and when he finally got the letter from psych guy I asked for new prescription, and now I'm waiting for that.
I'm putting a lot of hope into these new pills, but apparently if they work, they work good.
I keep trying to imagine what it would be like not to be depressed at all, to have energy again, and be motivated. It's a lot to ask of a pill.
But number one daughter leaves home in a few weeks, so I either need a miracle cure, or something to numb me completely.
I don't care which it is.
Having my life back would be nice though.
New pills apparently offer said miracle cure, but only to the lucky few, with the right dopamine organisation.
Fingers crossed.
***
At the moment I don't appear to have the right dopamine for anything -- my life is going to shit, and I can't even cry.
Bring back misery, I say.
***
My brother was interesting at the weekend.
He has been treated with two drugs for bipolar in the past, both for mania.
First I've heard of it.
He said he stopped them both and went for easier options, in the end.
Not necessarily the right options though.
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