Pleasure vs Mastery

My dog is still getting worse - but no one can tell me what is going to happen. I suppose that is because he can't tell me how he feels, so basically we can only go on the obvious signs of illness - given the fact that my vet hasn't done a blood test or even taken a temperature since he got ill.

Despite no advice from my vet, I have;
- changed his food to Orijen, as it has far fewer carbs which is the kind of diet indicated for cancer patients.
- started giving him Siberian Ginseng, as apparently it acts as an apoptigen. I read that this promotes natural cell death, which may be helpful in preventing cancer. I can't see that it will do any harm when he actually has it.
- I take his temperature myself. Maybe not as accurate as when the vet does it, but at least I may get a little warning if/when his immune system is under pressure.
- I make sure he only has cytotoxic drugs in the morning - apparently that reduces the chances of hemorrhagic cystitis - you would think the vet would mention that?

I don't know if any of these things have/will make a difference, but at least I know I have tried.

And in other news, number two daughter will be 18 shortly. Except rather than being a family celebration, it is turning into a focus point for All That Is Wrong. Just thinking about it makes me feel so tired.

Which is a pain in the arse really, as I feel under pressure to come up with exciting and fun activities to put on the Pleasure vs Mastery chart that the psychologist has me filling in.
What a pile of crap that is.

I just don't see the point.

Yes, I should do things that challenge me or that I enjoy. But at the moment EVERYTHING challenges me. Getting out of bed in the morning challenges me.

My best friend is dying - where do I put that on the chart?

1,2,3...testing...

I have installed Blogger on my phone, so I am seeing if it works.
Sometimes I struggle with technology - things have come a long way since the remote control was attached to the tv with a wire. And before that, black and white tv! My kids would think it was broken.
So, this is a test. Fingers crossed it will arrive in glorious technicolour.

Can't buy me love

My dog is getting worse.
His breathing isn't great, and his balance seems to be off; three times today he has tried to jump up and misjudged where he is going and fallen. Also, I think he has a slight fever, which is worrying given that his immune system will be suppressed by the chemo.

So to compensate for my fears about him, I have been shopping.

I have been spending a huge amount of money that I don't have to try to make me feel better. My house is overrun with discarded Amazon boxes in every size and shape imaginable. Today we had to go to the tip to dump all the cardboard we have accumulated.

Last time this happened was when my dad died - seems to have kicked in early this time. Maybe that's because this time I know what's coming.

The really horrible bit is that it doesn't work. I wouldn't mind about all the debt if I actually felt any better, but I don't.

I just feel sad and poor.

Work shall set you free.

Today I went to the Job Centre.

It was an odd experience - when I was a kid you went to the Job Centre for a job, and there were boards all around the place with vacancies displayed on them. Today there wasn't a job in sight.

In fact the only people with any chance of employment were the huge number of people working there (far more of those than 'clients'), herding people around from one office to other, identical offices on other floors. At one point someone gave a piece of badly laminated red card. I don't know why. Someone else took it off me before I left. At least that's two people with jobs - the hander-outer and the collector-inner.

So, I had this interview, and the guy said I had to engage in mandatory 'Work related activity' to remain entitled to my benefit. Then he gave me three leaflets, and said he would call me in six months. The 'activity' is that I have to look at the leaflets, and 'consider' them.

I think I can manage that.

No wonder this country is going to shit.

Man v Food

I am in love with Adam Richman.

I wonder if he would marry me if I covered myself in bacon?

Everything is better with bacon.

Come outside, Love

My dog is dying.
Six weeks ago we took him to the vet as he was slightly off his food, and two days later he was diagnosed with a highly malignant multi-centric lymphoma. Since then he has been having chemotherapy, which entails taking him to the vets each week for an injection of vincristine, and treating him at home with prednisolone and cyclophosphamide.

I hate going to the vet.

Today they told me I should wait outside the building if my dog is going to bark so much - we were thinking Hurrah! He is barking again! What a joy to hear him when he has been quiet for so long. They then proceeded to examine him, and not say one word to me about how he is - is his heart rate ok? Have the tumours gone down? Does it look like the chemo is working? Nothing.
Frankly, the state going to the vets gets ME in, it is no wonder my dog barks. He doesn't like it when I am upset. I don't know why they do it - do they really have no people skills at all? Is that why they become vets in the first place?
If it was a human being treated for cancer and receiving chemo, I am sure their treatment would be more sympathetic. Ok, so he is a dog, but I think it should be better if for no other reason than I am paying a lot of money for this treatment every week.

To be fair, they are not all bad. There is one vet there that I like. He smiles at my dog, and ruffles his fur. It's not a lot to ask, but it makes a huge difference. That is why, when the time comes for us to say goodbye, I want him to be the one that's there. We have decided we want to say goodbye at home - I am not standing outside with my dog while I wait for what is without doubt going to be one of the worst moments of my life.

And if he can't do it, then I shall take my business elsewhere.

 This is not my dog. But this picture makes me smile :)

Do as you would be done by

Well, I can't possibly fill you in on everything that has gone on, so I'll just begin with Where I am Now.
I have tickets to Hard Rock Calling this weekend (being a lifelong Paul Simon fan - my first record was Bridge Over Troubled Water) but I won't be going. I am very upset about it. Suffice to say I needed some help with the planning etc, and it was not forthcoming.

What do I learn from this?

You can't trust anyone accept yourself.

So when I saw the psychologist yesterday and he said to me "It may be that you have trouble trusting people..." I didn't argue with him. My experience is that you can't trust people - people are only out to help themselves.

I think it sucks.

I think if people gave just a little thought to others then the world would be a much nicer place.

Recently I bought two (separate) items from eBay, both of which were sold as genuine, and both of which turned out to be fakes. Yet when I try to list a perfectly legal unopened DVD, I get a huge warning about selling copies. Do other people not see it? Or do they just not care?
The psychologist says I need to toughen up, and be like everyone else. But I'm not sure I want that. Why would I want to be cynical and heartless?
I think I will stay as I am thanks.

And just move to a remote log cabin in Canada.

Log Cabin courtesy of holiday-rentals.co.uk

Toe in the water

Well, after an hour and a half of recovering lost accounts, password brain-wracking and (I have a nasty feeling) attempting to access the account of someone else's blog, I may be back...