I think I realised today _finally_ that it doesn't get any better -- that I'll always be alone, so really it's just a question of deciding when and how I go rather than deciding if I go.
It's not that I don't want to be with anyone else, or I can't find anyone -- I can't be with anyone else. So there really is no decision to make.
The decision is made.
End of, as my kids would say.
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I first found my birth mother fourteen years ago tomorrow, on her birthday.
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It was a couple of years after that I last saw her.