It was hot last night.
I was restless.
There was a lot of noise in the street.
Eventually I heard a woman screaming, and my dog jumped out of bed and went to the window barking.
I told him to shut up and come back to bed.
This afternoon the police put a flyer through the door, saying a woman was assaulted in my road, at around the time I heard all the noise.
I guess that's what I heard.
As if I wasn't scared enough of going outside...
***
In other news, it is now less than one month until my best friend (only friend), daughter number one, leaves home.
Aside from the fact I am agoraphobic and can't leave the house without her, I am a mother, and I am going to miss my baby like crazy.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
No Place Like Home
I hate where I live.
I hate my house.
I hate the town it's in.
I hate the area and I hate the people.
But for a number of social and economic reasons, I am stuck here, with no way out.
I spend a large part of each day devising possible escape strategies, and rethinking old strategies. And my doctors spend their time coming up with new medications to try and rid me of 'obsessional thinking.' When in actual fact coming up with a get-out plan would be the sanest thing I could do.
I start new meds next week. Hopefully these will give me the energy to come up with some mind blowing scheme that can't fail.
...
Or not.
I'll settle for just not being catatonic, thanks.
I hate my house.
I hate the town it's in.
I hate the area and I hate the people.
But for a number of social and economic reasons, I am stuck here, with no way out.
I spend a large part of each day devising possible escape strategies, and rethinking old strategies. And my doctors spend their time coming up with new medications to try and rid me of 'obsessional thinking.' When in actual fact coming up with a get-out plan would be the sanest thing I could do.
I start new meds next week. Hopefully these will give me the energy to come up with some mind blowing scheme that can't fail.
...
Or not.
I'll settle for just not being catatonic, thanks.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Quiet American
Meeting with the Americans went ok, and the boy is far less mouthy in real life than he is online/on the phone. I like that.
And it turns out that I have rather a lot in common with his mother -- we share strangely similar backgrounds -- which may make us similar I guess, which may explain why our offspring get on so alarmingly well.
Tomorrow morning they fly back to Italy, so I have said that I will front up at the train station so number two daughter can do the farewell thing.
I shall expect plenty of waterworks and OTT drama -- from both of them.
***
In other news, number one daughter went to see my mother, and the woman is practically delusional.
For the first time in my life (and she has pushed me so, so far before, but I have never felt like this), I wanted to say that I no longer had a mother.
She has made up one too many lies about the things I have apparently said and done, and she believes every word of it. And what's more she repeats it to anyone who will listen (including my children) as if it's the truth.
It is beyond the pail.
I had a lie down and stared at the ceiling instead.
***
The effects of changing my meds are becoming apparent.
It feels like shrugging off a heavy winter blanket, and shaking myself free.
It feels good.
My rash has gone, and the jittery feeling has calmed down a bit. I am a bit wound up. I have to wait and see if I can hang on to my temper. Coping without anything for stress at the moment is a little tricky, but my schedule doesn't often allow for a six hour coma.
Still a long way to go, but we're getting there, I hope.
And it turns out that I have rather a lot in common with his mother -- we share strangely similar backgrounds -- which may make us similar I guess, which may explain why our offspring get on so alarmingly well.
Tomorrow morning they fly back to Italy, so I have said that I will front up at the train station so number two daughter can do the farewell thing.
I shall expect plenty of waterworks and OTT drama -- from both of them.
***
In other news, number one daughter went to see my mother, and the woman is practically delusional.
For the first time in my life (and she has pushed me so, so far before, but I have never felt like this), I wanted to say that I no longer had a mother.
She has made up one too many lies about the things I have apparently said and done, and she believes every word of it. And what's more she repeats it to anyone who will listen (including my children) as if it's the truth.
It is beyond the pail.
I had a lie down and stared at the ceiling instead.
***
The effects of changing my meds are becoming apparent.
It feels like shrugging off a heavy winter blanket, and shaking myself free.
It feels good.
My rash has gone, and the jittery feeling has calmed down a bit. I am a bit wound up. I have to wait and see if I can hang on to my temper. Coping without anything for stress at the moment is a little tricky, but my schedule doesn't often allow for a six hour coma.
Still a long way to go, but we're getting there, I hope.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Baby Heroin
My new meds are known as 'baby heroin', and I can see why.
They completely knock me out.
I won't take it unless it's an absolute emergency -- I don't want to get dependant on it, plus there are the minor issues, that it causes obesity and diabetes. I haven't lost almost six stone to promptly put it all back on again, thank you.
And it is kind of dangerous; to be unconscious when in charge of children, don't you think?
***
In other news, Number One Daughter is holidaying in London with Boy -- a kind of trial run for the whole impending leaving home thing.
And Number Two Daughter has a boy (no capital letter, please note) flying in from Sicily to meet her, God help us all. I am being drafted in to meet his mother, but alas cannot utilise baby heroin to calm fraying nerves else I might collapse into my pizza over lunch. I can't use my old meds, as they have caused some nasty prolactin problem, and it isn't clear yet whether I am out of the woods for a prolactinoma on that front.
So lunch might be a little tense.
Luckily they are not actually Italian, but American, so at least I can have a go at making conversation. Hopefully.
I'm really not a people person.
They completely knock me out.
I won't take it unless it's an absolute emergency -- I don't want to get dependant on it, plus there are the minor issues, that it causes obesity and diabetes. I haven't lost almost six stone to promptly put it all back on again, thank you.
And it is kind of dangerous; to be unconscious when in charge of children, don't you think?
***
In other news, Number One Daughter is holidaying in London with Boy -- a kind of trial run for the whole impending leaving home thing.
And Number Two Daughter has a boy (no capital letter, please note) flying in from Sicily to meet her, God help us all. I am being drafted in to meet his mother, but alas cannot utilise baby heroin to calm fraying nerves else I might collapse into my pizza over lunch. I can't use my old meds, as they have caused some nasty prolactin problem, and it isn't clear yet whether I am out of the woods for a prolactinoma on that front.
So lunch might be a little tense.
Luckily they are not actually Italian, but American, so at least I can have a go at making conversation. Hopefully.
I'm really not a people person.
Goodbye Mrs Whiskerson...
... I miss you.
My cat died.
She was very old.
We miss her a lot. Even the dog misses her.
Rest your paws, Mrs Whiskerson, sleep well.
My cat died.
She was very old.
We miss her a lot. Even the dog misses her.
Rest your paws, Mrs Whiskerson, sleep well.
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