Asking for it.

One of the worst weeks ever.

I hesitate to say that things can't get any worse, because that's just inviting trouble.

But they can't.

Cold

It's a year ago today since I last saw He Who Left Me.

And that last meeting was painful, and he hurt me very much.

I can't imagine feeling that hurt about something now.

I can't imagine feeling that much about anything anymore.

I think my doctor said this might happen -- that the pills dull things, so one can't feel the lows (or the highs) quite so keenly. It's a dull -- but safe -- place to be.

I tell myself it's the pills, because the alternative is that without him, I don't feel anything.

Splitting

I've been on the new pills/increased pills for two days now, and the headaches are excruciating.
The pain of it keeps me awake all night (well, that along with a poorly dog, who has only just stopped being sick after 48 hours of puking and diarrhea...)

I hope these are just temporary adjustment pains, and that things settle quickly, because I really need this to work.

Five more days on this dose and then I increase again -- I hope that doesn't mean the headaches increase too, because I'm not sure I could stand it. This already has me climbing the walls, its that bad.

I don't remember it hurting before when I have had previous dose adjustments, but my memory is not up to much at the best of times, and these are not the best of times...

Keeping my fingers crossed.

***

Daughter number one and I went to a remembrance Sunday service, which was very cool, and proves I'm doing at least slightly better than this time last year.

***

And said daughter has started receiving offers from universities for next year, which makes her leaving seem all very real, and scary, particularly at a time when I don't want to be left.

I'm not good at being left.

Pee-ess

I got my mobile phone bill yesterday, and I forgot that it would be itemised. It turned out that I also managed to phone 112, which my children inform me is the emergency services.

Just in case my humiliation wasn't complete enough, I worked out that the whole episode took place around the time I was in the ladies room at Marks and Spencer. I'm not sure exactly who was treated to that -- I don't want to know -- but I really hope it was the CSA.

***

This afternoon I start tests to see if I have pancreatic cancer.

Daughter number two is taking the afternoon off school to come with me.
Not that I'm scared, or anything.

Space Between

Halloween has been and gone, and firework night is nearly upon us, and the kids keep reminding me how ill I was this time last year, and I can't remember any of it.

It's like someone has been inside my brain with a hoover, and sucked my memory out. Apparently I didn't leave my room for days, I cried and screamed, and all I wanted to do was die.

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

It is exactly 2 weeks until the anniversary of my first meeting with my psychiatrist, when I know I had decided that my only options were that it went well, or that I would die.

***

Having said that, its not all roses and smiles at the moment. I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday and he is concerned about me. Concerned enough to increase the dose of my mood stabilisers and put me on antidepressants. Probably just for the winter, he said, but he doesn't want to risk me getting any lower.

***

Days like like last Thursday are enough to render even the toughest soul low. As if finding out that my son is going deaf and needs a hearing aid wasn't devastating enough, I didn't lock the keypad on my phone and it proceeded to dial its way through most of the people in my phonebook, including my dead father, the CSA, and he who left me (with whom I have had no contact for months). I actually stood in the Disney shop and cried when I realised what had happened, so mortified was I that he might think I was initiating some kind of contact. Horrifying, no matter how much I miss him.

The big-eared elephant wasn't the only Dumbo in that shop.