Synchronicity

I am a fan of Jung, so I like the idea of synchronicity -- meaningful coincidences as oppose to random events.
Which is why I suppose today strikes me as a synchronicity, rather than a coincidence.

Today is the birthday of he who left me, and the anniversary of the death of my father.

Two of the men I love most in the world (the only other being my son), and on this day one of them came into the world, and one of them left it.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Little Miss Sunshine

... made me laugh.

A lot.

White Rabbit

The school phoned me yesterday to tell me that my son is being bullied.

I had no idea at all.

He hadn't said anything.

Not physical bullying. Not hitting him, or pushing him around.
Just constant, niggling digs at him. Just a few kids, I think. Talking about him behind his back. Starting rumours about him. That type of thing. Apparently he's been getting more and more withdrawn, and his grades have all started to drop.

And I'm the last to know.

It really hit me like a bomb shell.

I wanted to drive straight to the school and pick him up, and never let him go back.
I just feel like I can't protect him.

My brother was bullied at school, and he was never the same afterwards. It crushed him; just kind of broke his spirit. He became a follower, never a leader. I don't want that to happen to my son.

But the school say they are dealing with it, and he says he wants to go, so he has gone.

And the noise in my head has got to the loudest it has been in a long time, so I have taken one of my emergency pills.
It says on the leaflet that they are anti-psychotics.
I don't feel psychotic.
I don't think I'm psychotic.
But I feel better for having taken it, and things seem quieter now, so I'm not going to argue.

Houseyhousey: 19th February, 2005

This is basically an email I received from he who left me exactly two years ago today, replying to one that I had sent. He was just returning to his flat after a visit to his parents for the day to see his family:

"Am in victoria ecaff which means NOT in parents home which is gd gd gd gd
news. Ooo, that was tense. BUT hurrah I got out very early and my Dad murmured
wearily that I had made a good decision, bless him :-). I like them all
separately, but together, ooo tense.

But homeward!

>This is the link to the house. Only has a shower room,
>but has enough bedrooms for a bathroom on the floor above. And its only
>£84950. Let me know if you have any problems with the link.

This pc won't do PDFs but I found the details on the site ... bottom of the
road, then wiggle, then you're on the road to the sea :-). I've written
down all the measurements -- GINK WORK AHOY :-D

I like that you have a very doable house on your list. :-)

Warning, I will want to do LOTS of house talk :-)


>Odd, knowing you will be reading this in London and sososososososo wanting
>you just to get the train to here instead.

Me too me too me too.

---
Hello u.

I have a pound left on my phone. I shall try to top it up at vic, but if not
and I run out of txts then 1130&+15,

I hope everyone had a good day. We're going to p [speak on the phone]. Hurrah.

Hello u so much

wish I was there

xhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxhxh much"

We were house hunting, and it was four months before he moved in, six months before we moved up here. And a while before he decided that his parents was where he wanted to live permanently.

So its hard to read that and remember that I didn't imagine it all; I didn't base my assumptions? feelings? relationship? move? -- I'm not sure what -- just on something that I imagined.
That it was all real, and said, and what we both wanted.

It wasn't just in my head.

minus six degrees in the morning

It's cold.

Damn cold. Snowing.

I love the way it's so quiet when it snows.
Rain is loud -- whether it's clattering down or pattering down.

But snow is silent.

It's quiet here in general at the moment really.

Head equilibrium was regained, although I spoke to my psychiatrist and he is increasing my dosage again. He thinks one mood swing a month is still too much. It's hard for me to get my head around that -- when I think of the number of years I have lived on that roller coaster daily, and he thinks that even monthly it is too much for a normal person to bear...
So I will take more pills.
I'm not complaining -- weight is falling off me for the first time in my life, and my fear of turning into a grey, emotionless, robot has not materialised. I think, bizarrely, or by some quirk of fate, or act of God, or something, borderline personality disorder protects me from that -- it is simply not in my nature to be that way. In actual fact, the mood stabilisers have freed me up to laugh more -- rather than having to hang on to every little shred of emotion for fear of where it will lead, I am freer to experience more emotion, because the consequences are not so dire, and recovery is quicker and less painless.

Having said all that, I am wondering about the point of continuing with therapy. If therapy is about getting back to normal, and I have never been normal, what am I hoping to get back to?
At the moment it feels a bit like being on a journey with no map, and no destination.

* * *
In other news, the school finally took some notice of me and did some testing on number two daughter; turns out she does have dyscalculia like her sister, and isn't just trying to wind me up after all. They are referring her to an educational psychologist for further tests.

And finally, I do still wonder if he ever thinks about me. At all.

Silence Ever After

Once upon a time, on the anniversary of this day, two people met.

They fell in love.

Shit happened.

And they lived in silence ever after.

Romantic, huh?